Excuses

^^^^^^^^^^ is why I didn't get to ride last week. We got over a foot of snow in less than 24hrs last Thursday, and I had no wish to travel on the highways. But now we have spring weather!! And the geese are back, hooray. I didn't ride the couple weeks before I think because of midterms? Yesssss, I think that was one of the weeks and then the other week was because I had a paper due the next day on Karl Marx's commodity fetishism theory, yaaaay for sociology! Actually, I like that class, out the 5 I have this term, it is one of 2 that I like (and attend). Then I was going to ride this Thursday, but I've been having a whole bunch of problems with the university, and that day was especially bad for it so I didn't feel like getting screamed at in a lesson. I miss leasing because there was at least one ride a week that was quiet and you could do whatever you wanted, and that would have been perfect for that day. I'm not sure if I'm going to lease this summer or not anymore. I really wanted to because I wanted to show, but it seems that was all just a pipe dream. As for looking for a new barn, if I'm actually going to do that, it won't be until this summer after exams are finished at the end of April. I didn't get out to watch the clinic either this weekend, which I'm disappointed about, I really wanted to go watch a bit of it. Friday I had to work (time and a half for working a stat holiday! Customers always bitch that we have to work on those days, even though they apparently need to buy our stuff...but they're my favorite days to work, I get paid so much more!) then Saturday, my parents were getting back from their trip so I had to spend the whole day cleaning the house.
I don't know if I'm going to ride next Thursday or not, I sort of want to, but also not. The last time was just sooo terrible, and the few before were not spectacular either. :(

Moving Barns & Clinics

[here's your warning for some explicit language]

I had another ride with Kokanee today, that was not good. But based on how the rest of the day was going, that wasn't exactly a surprise.

Me and him are just not a good match anymore, we were ages ago after Rocky, we did well enough together then, but not anymore.

We yet again did not have a proper course, we had an exercise thing that involved lead changes over ground poles. We actually had very little trouble picking up the left lead in the corners today, so that was nice. However, we never really got a good rhythm going between us, so all the jumping felt off, it WAS off. Not in sync, bad distances, etc. We had very little success doing the warm up exercises over the poles to do the lead changes. The only one that he got was the left to right and he got it BEFORE the pole so that didn't count and of course K wasn't that pleased about it. Well at least he fricken got one, that's more than I expected. He was really good doing the leg yields though! K said she thought that maybe he was tired from the lesson he was in yesterday because he'd been getting more lead changes then. Maybe. She does that a lot, makes excuses for them. Saying he's tried from working the other day, is fine and totally acceptable, but more often than not I hear things like "oh that was really good! It probably helps that he's done it 8000 other times this week" Gee, thanks! That makes me feel really fucking great about my abilities! Then we go on to do the full gymnastic with jumps and poles. Two and five on the picture are the poles. As I was going around the arena corner to wards 6 and 5, we were supposed to go to 5 but then K said "yellow", and I was like what? we'd already got the correct lead (the wrong lead, but it was correct in that it was what we were supposed to change to over the pole) and for some reason I thought she meant for me to go over the yellow jump, so we did. JUST KIDDING! THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE WANTED! I was so pissed, because I knew the course! So she was being very condescending and I wanted to shout that I knew the course but she said "yellow" which made it sound like that's where she wanted me to go! Don't talk about the course when I'm doing it, or at least wait until I'm not going right passed you and won't hear, thus resulting in fucking up the course and being made to feel like an idiot. So that was fun, feeling thoroughly stupid, I went to move Kokanee off the wall so the next girl could go, at the same time he went to stretch his neck, so of course it looked like I was ripping on his face for stretching his neck, I WASN'T TRYING TO DO THAT, so then I got yelled at for that too. Love it. Fantastic. A really, really great ride.
This happens a lot, getting yelled at or being made to feel stupid. I don't think she actually wants you to feel that way, because she's actually really nice, and I know there's a lot of crazy-ass, genuinely mean coaches out there. But it still happens a lot, even before I took that break from riding last term.

The other thing is, I really just don't feel like I'm learning anything from her anymore. It has been just over 8 years at this same barn and I've talked about the plateau before, but after today, I think we've reached a bit of a tipping point. Unless another W/Pony situation happens along then there's no way to go forward, we are stuck. Stuck on lesson horses that sometimes have potential to go far and jump high, except being lesson horses, they need longevity and K doesn't want them going above like 2'6" I think it is. With higher heights or a horse like Pony or Spencer, where there's lots of insanity or things to work on, it's different because there's lots of opportunities to learn and grow, but we're done now. It's basically flat lined so, I'm thinking, fairly seriously about finding a new barn. I've looked around on the internet for a few after Pony left and the one I really liked is a 45min drive away. There's a barn, literally a 30min WALK from my place in the city, what could be better?! Well, unless you have your own horse, it's really only a place for beginner students. There's a few of their old students at the barn I'm at now. I hate moving barns though, you have to make new friends and figure out how they do things and all that sort of stuff. Plus, it's been 8 years! It's a bit hard to leave after that.

I'm not going to be leasing Java, I'd have to pay for the lease plus lessons (which are expensive now) so that sucks ass. Speaking of Java, I'm buying a pair of tall boots from her owner! Hooray, I love tall boots, they're some really nice Ariat ones, they don't quite fit, so we're going to get them stretched a bit at the tack shop and then they will hopefully be good to go!

The barn is hosting a Dale Erwin (not to be confused with the natural horsemanship guy Chris Erwin) clinic in April (or March, I don't even remember) and I'd quite like to go, but he's soooo expensive, and I'd have to take fucknut Kokanee (that was his nickname when I liked him and we got a long, it's meant nicely). So I don't know what's going to happen with anything right now, but I can say that I am very much regretting having gone back to riding this semester as of tonight.

There's nothing worse than feeling like and practically being told that you suck ass at something you have spent your whole life work on and love so much.

I actually had a dream last night about competing in a few of the A level shows that I was thinking about doing this summer and had the most crippling nerves in the dream and then woke up because they were so intense and it was hard to go back to sleep because I was actually really nervous.